Let the Scanxiety Begin

Scanxiety...you may remember me telling you about this word about 3 months ago. It is a term coined by some cancer parents that described the intense anxiety you feel as you approach your child's next scan date.

Well, I've got it again. We are a few weeks away from Brady's scans yet, but the familiar pit in my stomach is back. I get disappointed in myself when I let anxiety get the best of me. I know that God tells us in the bible to "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6,7) And there is no denying that God has provided me with that peace SO many times throughout this journey.

Yet I still struggle with anxiety...not in the busy moments of my day...but in the quiet moments...while washing the dishes after the kids are asleep, when I lay down at night and wait for sleep to come, and while I drive Brady to Rochester a few times a week. I totally consider this area of "me" a work in progress. I think this is unfortunately another casualty of childhood cancer. This experience leaves a parent a bit jaded, a bit fearful, somewhat skeptical that life is going to turn out okay.

We can file this post away in my "Being totally honest, life isn't always so rosy" file! I know that having a child with cancer isn't the only experience in life that can cause these feelings. Perhaps you have been thrown one of life's curve balls, the kind that knock you off your feet and tarnish the picture of what you thought life was going to be like. For me, I can't imagine battling this alone, without God, without my faith. It doesn't take it away, but God is strong when I am weak...in every area of my imperfection, He is perfect and I can find the hope and encouragement I need by turning to Him.

And that brings me back to...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6,7

Back to Work

We had a busy day!!! The whole gang made it to church this morning and then grandma took Eli, Cara, and Allie home. Matt, Brady, and I drove to Webster for the Angels of Mercy Spaghetti Dinner. It was a great time and we are so thankful to this organization for donating a portion of their proceeds to benefit Brady. Thank you to all of our friends and family who came to the event as well! Brady had a great time eating spaghetti and cake:)

Here are two pictures from the benefit today. The "angels" at Angels of Mercy prayed over Brady:



Tomorrow it is back to business around here. I have several calls to make regarding some insurance issues and I need to touch base with the PT clinic to set up Brady's eval. Most importantly I need to call Sloan to see if the rest of the tests are back from Brady's surgery. We are continually praying that the results of the biology studies will still place Brady in the intermediate risk category. I also have to call Strong to set up a schedule for Brady's scans.

Since we have been home it is so easy to forget about the cancer world. Yes we have the daily care of Brady's Broviac and the constant reminders when looking at his scars. But we are home, no appointments for a while, and I guess I should feel really content. I just don't. I am struggling with this whole "monster under the bed" feeling that at any moment it will come crawling out and attack us once again. The parents who are in the monitoring phase call it "scanxiety"...all of the anxiety and fear that is wrapped up in the scanning and waiting phase. So I'm looking to God's word for strength and wisdom as we enter this next phase. I'm praying for courage and the ability to cherish each day despite the uncertain future. Thanks for letting me vent:)