Scan day is Friday.
You know the drill. I'm feeling worried, anxious, nervous, sad...
Each time does get easier as I intellectually know that the chance of relapse decreases with each passing day. But there is always a chance.
I do feel a sense of sadness more than ever before as we approach these scans. I know that it is because Brady is older and wiser. This whole process is so sad for a little guy. I know (believe me, I do) that what he will endure is nothing compared to what the amazing warriors who are in active treatment have to do deal with every day. But in the world of a happy and healthy 3 year old boy, what will happen Friday will be scary, new, and uncomfortable. We have blessed so far in this process in that Brady doesn't ever really remember the process involved with scans. He hates it as it is happening, but doesn't seem to carry over the trauma or fear from one time to another.
But now as a savvy 3 1/2 year old, I'm sad for him as he will certainly know that something is up. He has also made a few comments to me in recent months about the "guys with the masks" coming near him. Matt has to carry him down to the MRI room. Once in there, they are kind of surrounded by the big machines and several people (nurse, anesthesiologist, radiologist) who are in their scrubs and masks. To get him to sleep they have to hold a mask over his face and administer gas. Of course his instinct is to fight, and I can only imagine this is so scary. After he is asleep they put the iv in his arm to administer the anesthesia through it. He is under anesthesia for several hours while they do the scans. Then he comes back to the recovery unit and begins the process of waking up. Sometimes this goes smoothly, other times not. One time Brady even had a partially collapsed lung after being intubated. So there is always cause for worry.
Then comes the waiting. We are so blessed that our oncologist is awesome at returning emails. I will only have to email him once on Friday when we get home and ask him to check for the initial radiology report. He will call me right back and give me the news that afternoon or evening.
It's funny how I find myself in a cycle of worry-prayer-peace-worry-prayer-peace....I'm so predictable! I'm amazed at how gracious God is with me in that each and every time, He is there for me when I inevitably fall back into the worry-trap. He knows that I am just a mom who loves her boy so very much. He knows that I have seen the horror of what cancer can do and he knows that I fear that more than anything else in this world. He knows me, and I'm so glad.
This song always comes to mind during times like this. I hope that this song reminds you that no matter what the storm in your life, that God can give you the peace, strength, and hope that you need to endure.