Scanxiety...you may remember me telling you about this word about 3 months ago. It is a term coined by some cancer parents that described the intense anxiety you feel as you approach your child's next scan date.
Well, I've got it again. We are a few weeks away from Brady's scans yet, but the familiar pit in my stomach is back. I get disappointed in myself when I let anxiety get the best of me. I know that God tells us in the bible to "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6,7) And there is no denying that God has provided me with that peace SO many times throughout this journey.
Yet I still struggle with anxiety...not in the busy moments of my day...but in the quiet moments...while washing the dishes after the kids are asleep, when I lay down at night and wait for sleep to come, and while I drive Brady to Rochester a few times a week. I totally consider this area of "me" a work in progress. I think this is unfortunately another casualty of childhood cancer. This experience leaves a parent a bit jaded, a bit fearful, somewhat skeptical that life is going to turn out okay.
We can file this post away in my "Being totally honest, life isn't always so rosy" file! I know that having a child with cancer isn't the only experience in life that can cause these feelings. Perhaps you have been thrown one of life's curve balls, the kind that knock you off your feet and tarnish the picture of what you thought life was going to be like. For me, I can't imagine battling this alone, without God, without my faith. It doesn't take it away, but God is strong when I am weak...in every area of my imperfection, He is perfect and I can find the hope and encouragement I need by turning to Him.
And that brings me back to...
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."